Written by Becca Trujillo, LMFT-A

Couples & Family Specialist · Licensed in TX (#205218)

Reviewed by Gretchen Etheredge, LMFT (#201462)

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110 Deep Questions to Ask Your Partner

Most couples I work with in my office come in with a similar complaint: “We don’t really talk anymore.” What they usually mean is that conversations have become transactional—who’s picking up groceries, when is the dentist appointment, did you pay the electric bill? These functional exchanges are necessary, but they’re not connection. They’re the logistics of life, not the substance of relationship.

The truth I’ve learned from working with hundreds of couples is that emotional intimacy doesn’t just happen. It’s built through vulnerability, curiosity, and intentional conversation. When you ask your partner a genuinely thoughtful question—one that invites them to share something beyond surface level—you’re essentially saying, “I want to know you more deeply.” That act of invitation, that genuine curiosity, is one of the most powerful tools for building the connection you’re probably craving.

This list of 110 questions isn’t designed to feel like an interrogation or a homework assignment. Think of it more as a conversation menu. You don’t need to ask all of them, and you certainly don’t need to ask them all at once. Instead, use these as springboards for the kind of meaningful dialogue that builds lasting intimacy. Pick one or two that genuinely resonate with you, ask them when the moment feels right, and actually listen to the answer. That’s how real connection happens.

Getting to Know Each Other Better

1. What’s something about your childhood that still affects who you are today?
2. If you could describe yourself in five words, what would they be?
3. What’s a belief you held strongly as a teenager that you’ve changed your mind about?
4. Who’s someone from your past that had a significant impact on you?
5. What’s your earliest memory?
6. What are you naturally talented at, even if you don’t pursue it professionally?
7. If there were no financial limitations, what would you want to do with your life?
8. What’s something about yourself that surprises people?
9. When did you first feel like an adult?
10. What’s a skill you wish you had?

Therapist’s note: These opening questions establish safety and invite reflection. Notice I’m asking about formative experiences and self-perception. When your partner answers, resist the urge to problem-solve or jump to your own story. Instead, ask a follow-up question. This demonstrates genuine interest and encourages deeper sharing.

11. What’s something you’re proud of that has nothing to do with achievement or accomplishment?
12. How do you define success?
13. What’s a fear you’ve overcome?
14. What does self-care actually look like for you?
15. When did you first feel confident in who you are?

Dreams, Goals, and Future Vision

16. Where do you see yourself in five years?
17. What’s a goal you’ve been sitting with that you haven’t shared with many people?
18. If you could master one skill, what would it be?
19. What legacy do you want to leave?
20. What’s something you want to try but haven’t yet?
21. If you could go back and give yourself advice at any age, what would it be?
22. What does your ideal day look like?
23. What’s a dream that feels too big to say out loud?
24. How do you want to grow in the next year?
25. What would make you feel truly fulfilled?

Values and Life Priorities

26. What does family mean to you?
27. How do your childhood experiences shape what you value now?
28. What’s non-negotiable for you in a relationship?
29. How do you define loyalty?
30. What role does spirituality or faith play in your life?
31. How important is financial security to you, and why?
32. What does freedom mean to you?
33. How do you want to spend time in this relationship?
34. What’s a value you would never compromise on?
35. What matters more to you—experiences or possessions?

Therapist’s note: Values questions often surface differences, and that’s actually valuable information. If you discover you have different priorities around money, family, or time, that’s not a red flag—it’s an invitation to understand each other better and find where you can align.

36. How do you want to show up for people in your life?
37. What does trust look like to you?
38. How do you define a healthy relationship?
39. What role does independence play in how you see partnerships?
40. What’s something you believe that many people disagree with you about?

Emotional Patterns and Self-Awareness

41. How do you typically respond when you’re hurt?
42. What emotion are you least comfortable expressing?
43. When do you feel most anxious or stressed?
44. How do you comfort yourself when you’re struggling?
45. What’s something you do when you need to process your emotions?
46. How were emotions handled in your family growing up?
47. What triggers a defensive reaction in you?
48. When do you feel most secure?
49. How do you know when you need help?
50. What does vulnerability look like for you?

Therapist’s note: These questions invite emotional awareness—something I encourage all couples to develop together. When someone can articulate their emotional patterns, their partner gains the ability to understand and support them more effectively. This creates the foundation for Gottman Method work on emotional attunement.

51. What feeling do you struggle to sit with?
52. How do you celebrate your wins?
53. When do you feel most lonely?
54. What helps you feel safe?
55. How do you typically handle conflict with someone you love?

Physical Intimacy and Affection

56. How do you like to be shown affection?
57. What physical touch means the most to you?
58. What’s something you’ve wanted but felt too shy to ask for?
59. How does stress affect your desire for physical closeness?
60. What would make you feel more desired?
61. How important is physical intimacy to you, and why?
62. What’s a fantasy you’ve never felt comfortable sharing?
63. How do you feel about your body?
64. What’s changed about your needs over time?
65. How do you want to be touched right now?

Therapist’s note: Many couples tell me intimacy conversations are the hardest to have. The vulnerability required to discuss physical desires can feel overwhelming. Start with these questions when you’re both feeling safe and connected—not during conflict or when you’re stressed. The goal is curiosity, not judgment.

66. What does foreplay mean to you?
67. How do you want intimacy to fit into our relationship?
68. What would help you feel more confident?
69. How do you want to be initiated with?
70. What’s something that brings you pleasure that you haven’t talked about?

Fears and Vulnerabilities

71. What’s your biggest fear about our relationship?
72. What’s something you’re afraid to tell me?
73. What’s a past experience that still affects how you love?
74. When do you feel most inadequate?
75. What failure haunts you?
76. What’s a rejection you’ve experienced that shaped you?
77. What’s your biggest worry right now?
78. What’s something you’re afraid will change about us?
79. When do you feel unsupported?
80. What would it feel like if I left you?

Therapist’s note: Fear-based questions are delicate. These should only be asked when there’s genuine safety in the relationship. If you notice your partner shutting down or becoming defensive, pause. Check in about what they need. Sometimes these conversations need to happen in a therapist’s office first, and that’s completely okay.

81. What’s something about yourself you’re ashamed of?
82. What’s a need you’ve never felt comfortable asking for?
83. How do you think I perceive your weaknesses?
84. What’s a mistake you made that you’re still processing?
85. When do you feel most insecure in our relationship?

Appreciation and Gratitude

86. What’s something I do that makes you feel loved?
87. When have I surprised you in a good way?
88. What quality of mine do you most admire?
89. What’s something I’ve said that stuck with you?
90. How do I make you feel supported?
91. What’s a moment you felt really safe with me?
92. How have I helped you grow?
93. What’s something about me you didn’t appreciate until later?
94. When do you feel most connected to me?
95. What’s a way I’ve shown up for you that mattered?

Therapist’s note: Appreciation questions serve a dual purpose. They encourage positive focus—something the Gottman Method emphasizes—and they give your partner the gift of knowing specifically what they do right. These are also protective factors in relationships. When couples can articulate appreciation regularly, they’re building resilience against conflict.

96. How do I make your life better?
97. What’s something I said recently that made you feel good?
98. When do you feel most proud of us?
99. How do I make you laugh?
100. What would you miss most if I weren’t in your life?

Conflicts and Challenges

101. What’s something we disagree about that you wish we could talk about better?
102. How do you feel after we fight?
103. What would help you feel heard during conflict?
104. When do you feel like I’m not listening?
105. What’s a pattern we fall into that doesn’t work?
106. How can I support you when we’re struggling?
107. What’s a boundary you need from me?
108. How do you want us to repair things after we’ve hurt each other?
109. What would make you feel understood during difficult conversations?
110. What’s something about how we handle conflict that you’d like to change?

Therapist’s note: Ending with conflict-related questions might feel counterintuitive, but I do it intentionally. By this point, you’ve built a foundation of appreciation and understanding. These final questions, approached with that foundation, can actually deepen connection rather than damage it. They’re invitations to collaborate on making the relationship work better.

Making These Conversations Work

The questions themselves matter far less than what you do with them. I’ve seen couples ask profound questions while remaining completely disconnected. Here’s what changes that:

Listen with genuine curiosity. When your partner answers, don’t immediately relate it back to yourself or offer advice. Ask a follow-up question. “Tell me more about that” is one of the most powerful phrases in any relationship. It says, “I’m interested in you, not just in responding.”

Create the right environment. These conversations don’t need to happen during a designated “relationship talk.” They work best when they emerge naturally—during a walk, in the car, over coffee. Sometimes the deepest conversations happen when you’re side-by-side rather than face-to-face. Pay attention to when your partner seems most open.

Expect discomfort. Real vulnerability feels risky. If your partner seems hesitant to answer something, that’s information too. You might say, “I noticed you paused there. No pressure to share, but I’m here if you want to.” Invitation without pressure respects autonomy while maintaining openness.

Share your own answers. These questions aren’t an interrogation. Share your answers too. Vulnerability is reciprocal. When you answer with the same depth you’re asking for, you create safety for your partner to do the same.

Return to these questions over time. Your answers will change. Ask the same question a year from now and you might get a completely different response—and that evolution itself is beautiful. It shows growth and deepening self-awareness.

Why This Matters for Your Relationship

I started this article by saying that most couples feel disconnected because they’ve lost meaningful conversation. What I’ve learned from years of therapy practice is that this isn’t anyone’s fault. Life gets busy. Kids need attention. Work demands energy. It’s easy to let the conversations become only functional.

But here’s what I know: the couples who thrive aren’t the ones who never argue or never struggle. They’re the ones who stay curious about each other. They’re the ones who ask questions, listen to the answers, and actually let what they learn change how they show up in the relationship.

These 110 questions are an invitation to that kind of relationship. They’re permission to slow down, to ask something real, and to genuinely want to know the answer. They’re a way of saying, “I chose you, and I want to keep choosing you—really knowing you—as time goes on.”

Your relationship deserves more than logistics. It deserves depth, vulnerability, and genuine connection. Start with one question. Ask it with real curiosity. Listen to the answer. And then watch what becomes possible.

Frequently Asked Questions

Should I ask these questions all at once?

Absolutely not. These are meant to be woven into conversations over weeks and months. Asking all 110 questions in one sitting would feel like an interrogation, not a connection-building exercise. Instead, pick one or two that genuinely resonate with you and ask them when the moment feels natural.

What if my partner doesn’t want to answer?

Respect that boundary. Vulnerability can’t be forced. If your partner consistently avoids deeper conversations, that’s worth exploring—either together or with a therapist. Sometimes people need time or a sense of safety before they’re ready to be vulnerable, and that’s okay.

How do I ask these without it feeling awkward?

Lead with your own vulnerability. Instead of saying, “I have this list of questions,” try sharing something first: “I’ve been thinking about something, and I’d love to know more about you on this…” Then ask the question naturally. Authenticity makes vulnerability feel less awkward.

What if we discover we have very different values?

Different values aren’t automatically relationship-ending. They’re information that helps you understand each other better and identify where you need to find compromise or alignment. Many strong couples have different priorities—what matters is that you respect each other’s values and can find a way forward together.

Can I use these questions in other relationships besides romantic ones?

Absolutely. While I designed them with romantic partnerships in mind, many of these questions work beautifully for family relationships, close friendships, and any connection where you want more depth. Adjust them as needed for the context, and the principles remain the same: genuine curiosity builds connection.

Becca Trujillo, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Associate

Couples & Family Specialist at Healing Well Therapy Services

Becca is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate at Healing Well Therapy Services. She specializes in helping couples and families navigate challenges using evidence-based approaches including the Gottman Method, EMDR, and trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy. Becca's approach is collaborative and strengths-based — she believes every person is the expert in their own life.

LMFT-A #205218 · Supervised by Gretchen Etheredge, LMFT #201462

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